Following on from Feeling Grumpy maybe I’m just becoming a cranky old woman…

Recently I’ve found myself becoming irritated with the whinging that seems to engulf every situation and conversation. Housing prices are too high, now they’re crashing. Panic! Embedded and amplified by the way our media now reports. All the natural disasters, diseases, wars, there’s certainly lots to worry about but no matter what is done it feels like a journalist or influencer will find and amplify the people who are unhappiest even when they’re the most privileged. News reporting is often supporting unrealistic expectations about what is possible when a tragic situation occurs.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love a good whinge and can complain enough to win a national championship but I’ve also become more curious about this phenomenon. Is this a universal human quality or is it uniquely Australian and one of the qualities that demonstrates ‘good Australian values’. Those that say migrants to this country need to hold to ‘good Australian values’ are they talking about the ability to whinge? Is being grateful to be here, anti Australian? Does this need to be included in the application for immigration? How did the phrase ‘whinging poms’ come about. Does our skill at whinging link us to our British foundations or is it a universal human quality. Did our indigenous people whinge before they were invaded? Interestingly, after I started writing this blog Insight on SBS did a program on whinging – I’m obviously not the only one noticing this common phenomenon. One point that was made is that it is a way of connecting, often a whinge, especially if it’s shared, is a way of connecting to another.

Since I’ve been thinking about this I have been startled to realise how automatically a whinge comes out of my mouth. We need the rain, happy for it to rain but not during my beach walking times. Even my little welsh terrier who has a coat made for Wales not Australia manages to whinge when caught out and forced to walk, usually home, in the rain. She looks at me as if I have somehow intentionally done this to personally inflict misery on her. Maybe this is a clue to the function of whinging.

This takes me back to an old family therapy concept developed by the Mental Research Institute (MRI) group and the book co written by Paul Watzlawick, John Weaklan and Richard Fisch in 1974 called Change : Principles of Problem Formation and Problem Resolution. One of their hypotheses about the development of human distress was what they called the Utopia Syndrome, I loved and still love this concept. The idea that there is a perfect world out there somewhere, we just have to find it and if you can’t find it or create it – it’s yours or someone else’s fault. If someone carries an embedded belief of their failings being of their own making, it’s fodder for depression. Or conversely a person believe that someone else is responsible for their unhappiness it becomes the fuel for hate. A Utopian view can be the source for endless powerless whinging. In the extreme this slides into hatred directed at either ourselves, or others, or both. The premise that a perfect world is not possible is never questioned.

Walt Disney successfully marketed the ‘happily ever after’ Utopian ideal to the world. Obviously we all loved it and still must because the Disney legacy continues to be exported to the world. It’s such a lovely concept that one day you’ll have a perfect life and all problems will stop.

Full Stop!

I think this is where the problem lies. The Full Stop. Of course at some level we all know this isn’t possible. But if we believe a problem free life is the ‘right way’ then every time something goes wrong what explanation can we give? What meaning do we give to the contrast between a happy life moment and something going wrong?

The MRI group thought many of our problems are built on the belief that a Utopian world is actually possible. That we never question this hypothesis but continue inventing, striving and blaming ourselves or others when it doesn’t materialise or if it does it was only fleeting before a problem emerged

In order to counter this we have all sorts of crazy beliefs like don’t enjoy yourself too much because you’re inviting trouble or I knew something would go wrong because things were going so well. We put these things together and find it hard to hold onto we will have good times and bad times – they’re not linked. It’s just the ebb and flow of life. This need to give meaning to adversity is not always helpful, especially if it stops a person enjoying a moment because of the worry of what will most certainly come. Trouble will come, not because you’ve been having a wonderful time but because that is life. Holding onto this knowing that there is no link between something bad happening as direct result of enjoying something too much can help us stay in the moment, good and bad. It helps us resist the temptation to superstitious thinking that either you or someone else has done something to create the problem almost like a form of punishment.

I’m not suggesting that means you ignore your part in creating a problem. It’s taking time to think about what one can or can’t do to influence a particular situation. We all know that you can increase the probability of having your car break down if don’t you attend to the signals it gives when something needs attention. This is true of so many aspects of life whether that is domestic violence or a leaking tap.

The MRI group also described a phenomenon they called Negative Utopian. A belief that you are inherently doomed and nothing can help you. Consequently opportunities are missed for fixing or reducing a problematic situation because what’s the point we’re all doomed. The positive Utopian can also miss opportunities through a it’d will be fine, or there is a solution to everything – AI is probably being promoted as a Utopian solution to I’m not quite sure what… But we’re all learning that it needs very specific instructions to be useful.

Maybe whinging is like an insurance policy about getting too buoyant about life, insulating us from inevitable difficult or disastrous times. In Melbourne we are lucky in the sense our unpredictable weather gives us an ongoing source for whinging. What I worry about with ongoing whinging is that it can validate a belief that we are hard done by. This in turn can be amplified by extremists of any ilk….

I was finding that I was getting increasingly irritated with the media coverage of the five Swan AFL players serious misdemeanours. I was curious about why this was annoying me as none of the news reports were shirking that the whole sordid episode was unacceptable. As I thought about the source of my annoyance I think it was actually disappointment. It felt that an important opportunity had been missed.

I think the misogyny angle is just the tip of the iceberg so to speak. Yes there was definitely disrespect and sexual entitlement over women but there was a lot more. The level of the disrespect, I believe, requires a lot more scrutiny. If we break down the word misogyny to its Greek roots miso translates to hatred (gyne to women). The global hatred in their act is way more than misogyny. How many people have been wounded by what occurred that evening. Let’s start with the Herald/Sun report, assuming it was accurate, these women were tricked into believing they had been employed by a group of poor carpenters which resulted in a discount. Just this one act of deception exposes something hateful and profoundly unethical, and that’s just the beginning!

Then there is what followed for the women concerned and no doubt more details about that will unfold over time. But what about other guests staying at the Pullman Hotel that night, what about their football colleagues, the poor cleaners who undoubtedly had a sordid mess to clean up the next morning and then their fans? This is way more than a misogynous act. Embedded in this whole awful saga is the exposure of their core beliefs about privilege and entitlement above all else and is underpinned by miso (hate). The belief that they are above the law and can do what they like. This is way more than cultural male privilege. It exposes an ‘exploitative mindset’ as part of their manner of living.

I think it’s time to move beyond gender. Yes gender is definitely an important variable but if we start to look at the intention behind peoples actions: ‘to use selfishly for one’s own ends.’‘ These are acts of hatred, but not just to women. Many men have also been hurt by this. The gender focus can isolate the good men and protect exploitative women. To want power without responsibility; to have a total lack of ability to consider the impact of your actions on another. That requires contempt or hatred. The level of disregard for others is frightening, especially when it’s delivered by heroes!

I know we all have our moments when we can do something that denies the rights of another but for most of us it’s not reflective of our manner of living. It’s an occasional reckless moment. Nonetheless it’s an ugly human quality. We’re all capable of making an error of judgment and consequently negatively impacting an other. But when that ugly quality is the dominant mode of operation it’s pretty unpleasant for people who prefer kindness to prestige and power.

It’s often the forgiving, generous people who are the victims and recipients of this hateful behaviour, their sensitivity dangerously enables them to tune into the underlying distress of the hateful. To their peril will often make excuses for the perpetrator and in turn forgive behaviour that is totally unacceptable, mistakenly believing that the perpetrator will learn and will respond to the generosity of spirit offered. They rarely do. In my experience of 50 odd years as a psychiatric nurse 40 of which were working as a family therapist, I’ve seen many people, usually only for one session trying to get a favourable hearing in the family court. The intention is revenge, the best outcome for their children is irrelevant. I’ve also worked with some exceptional people who have had the courage to face the pain they have inflicted on others. It’s definitely a small cohort, most manage to just blame others for their bad, hateful behaviour. Unfortunately women are also capable of this way of being.

I was a bit interested in what the dictionary definition was for exploitation and was surprised to find that the Macquarie Concise Dictionary: Third edition. (Austalia’s National Dictionary) had 2 entries for exploit, the first being ‘a striking or notable deed; a feat; a spirited or heroic act.’ The second is in two parts, the part two is more in line with what I’ve always understood the word to mean: ‘to use selfishly for one’s own ends.’ Do the two definitions link in terms of once classified as a hero, for some, it gives licence to selfishly impose your will.

This exploitative manner of living is what I would like to see put under the microscope. The Swans saga is the perfect example of heroes using their profile to exploit. If the report is correct that the women involved have needed to go into hiding what does that say about who gets our sympathy and support? An apology does nothing if the person apologising whilst demonstrating remorse is actually not questioned about what exactly are they remorseful for. Because acting can be very convincing and the perpetrator will be remorseful but not for what they have inflicted on another. They will be remorseful for how unfairly the world is treating them. If they’re intelligent they’ll know not to articulate that but if they’re not it’s easy to spot with close questioning around their history of how they participate in the world.

They are probably repeat exploiters – leaving a trail of hurt and devastation behind them. Sadly it’s not just men…

As we trudge through our daily lives the mood of Australians seems to be gradually dropping. People feel angry, overwhelmed and helpless. War and climate change feel very present threats. And yet in Australia, comparatively – things are relatively good. This information doesn’t provide any comfort…

Our standard of living may have peaked and possibly it’s downhill from now on for the majority of us with the exception being the incredibly rich and getting richer minority. This is why studying history is so important. This angry discontent has happened time and time again when the very rich expect their poorer co-citizens to support them. When this happens it ignites an existential questioning about the meaning of life and the concept of fairness. Once again, as has happened many times before, it triggers some sort of global reckoning. Where it will take us no-one knows. What we do know is that this is not the first time a civilisation has faced an ending of its way of being.

Building on my last blog of finding ways to soothe I’ve decide in this blog I will do a recap on the work of Humberto Maturana. For those of you who have done family therapy training it’s a bit of revision for others hopefully it’s an introduction to a way of thinking that can help guide decision making and the best way to utilise ones emotional and financial resources.

Chilean biologist Humberto Maturana had a huge impact on my work. I was lucky enough to be able to see him in person when he did workshops in Australia in the 90s. His focus was on what it means to be human.

We are communal animals, we work best when we co-operate and love is our most fundamental emotion. When there’s an interference to love we’re in trouble. Like all mammals we give birth to live young but unlike other mammals our young can do nothing for themselves except cry. There’s no ability to grip fur or crawl blindly towards our mothers. Maturana hypothesised this indicated that we needed more loving attention than any other species. This love begins when and infant cries a caring adult responds. The adult does’t impose what it thinks is right for the infant for example: the right time, the right amount of cuddles etc. It responds to the infants’ cry if for what ever reason the infant can’t be soothed the adult manages their emotions as best they can but still attends to the infant; whether this is just walking with them or rocking them. The adult doesn’t interpret the distress of the infant as a form of manipulation they assume the distress is valid even if they can’t soothe the infant. Now this is great in theory and we all have our moments of frustrated rage with an impossible to soothe baby – Maturana would say if this is occasional it doesn’t matter but if it becomes part of the manner of living there is an interference to the biologically essential love.

We have lived under the influence of economic rationalism since the 1980s. Every thing is priced ‘time is money’ . Things that can’t be priced have no value. Which means the sort of love I’m talking about has no value. The idea that raising the next generation is a community responsibility, has more or less disappeared. Unproductive time is considered time wasted, even though often wasted time feeds innovation and creativity. Maturana talked about cultural change occurring when there is a change of cultural emotioning. I think we are witnessing this with people’s distress being activated into rage. The fuelling of hate as a solution that extreme right wing humans are generating, I find truly terrifying. It goes against what is existentially fundamental to our humanness.

Finding a target for the distress of a population is not new, but it takes our eye off the ball – so to speak. I see mounting evidence that our way of life is unsustainable in its current structure. When resources are scarce there is conflict. Essential resources like clean air, manageable temperatures, water, relatively predictable weather patterns are all becoming scare, topped off by escalating costs and natural disasters.

What is it like to be a parent of young children today, nothing is given, not even a future. Everything costs something. If you can’t afford what is now an essential item like a laptop for your primary aged children you have to go through the humiliation of applying for exemptions or funding to provide what is required by a cash strapped state education system. As a culture we seemed to have lost our generosity of spirit, things like laptops should be funded as part of essential equipment. This shift of our fundamental cultural emotioning has happened slowly over a long period of time. The shrinking of the middle class – what I would call the stabilising class, is a significant loss and with it the belief that the majority of Australians can afford to live a relatively comfortable life and if you couldn’t there was a reliable safety net. This created a trust that you could provide the essential basics for your dependent loved ones. Of course there were always exceptions particularly when excessive drugs or alcohol was involved.

As I write this a mother of a young child who has been crying for over an hour sits desperately at a library computer trying to do something that looks important. There is no occasional childcare available or even a librarian who might be able to offer a book or read a story to the distressed child. We’ve given all that away because of the cost. These opportunities for small loving acts that were enabled through government support are gone. Wealth has moved upwards to a small group of very large corporations and a larger group of older Australians who have been able to take advantage of generous tax brakes.

In the recent government attempt to address this imbalance and tax wealth in the same way as wages the bleating was pretty shameful. We are a storying animal and how the media stories this shift wasn’t as an act of love to struggling young families.

So back to the reflection on where we are at as a community. How do families feel hopeful and grapple with what their lives mean. Humans in the main have always hoped for a better future for their children, but what does better actually look like. Maybe this is where our comfort can lie as parents. Maybe a better future might not be in measured in financial terms but in terms of time to laugh, play, enjoy a picnic. All the things that can soothe despair, even when you can’t quite pay the bills.

Maybe future generations will look back on us with amazement that we were so obsessed with owning things we didn’t have time to enjoy anything and were trapped in a maze of disappointment – a definite underminer of mental health.

If we are loved enough, in terms of being recognised as a valid other, we can play, think and create. We are much more adaptive. A lovely study done in Australia tracked 1,400 Australian children and unsurprisingly discovered that: “Toddlers who excel at pretend play are significantly less likely to experience emotional and behavioural difficulties by the time they reach primary school.” (Neuroscience News.com April 22, 2026. Emily Fraser – University of Sydney) It’s in childhood play the emotional resources are developed to manage whatever is ahead of us.

Playing is not wasting time. It’s in our creativity that a pathway to the future will be found, How we story current financial and emotional distress is important. Are we seeding fear, disappointment, blame and hate in our children that will rob them of their creativity and playfulness.

Our future and our current way of life is under threat, what we do with our despair is important. How do we support trust and find ways to embed in ourselves and our young that we have the resources to find ways to build satisfying lives. Even if it doesn’t actualise it helps us continue with our day to day lives with a lighter emotioning – which in the end is what counts.

None of us know what the future holds.

Most of us are yearning for a simpler, less pressured life which coincidently will be cheaper. Nonetheless it’s also important not to be naive and take time to weep for humanity and the mess we seemed to have gotten ourselves into….

Open Access: “Longitudinal Evidence of the Relationship Between Pretend Play and Mental Health in the Early Years” by Fontini Vasilopoulos, Lucinda Grummitt, Sasha Bailey, Louise Birrell, Iroise Bumontheil, Fill Francis, Eliza Oliver, Oliva Karaolis, Robyn Ewing, Michael Anderson, Maree Teesson & Emma L. Barrett. Early Childhood Journal (DOI:10.1007/s10643-026-02150-7.

The world is feeling very uncertain. The order that has more or less lasted since the 2nd world war feels under siege. Along with political unrest there are the obvious changes to our climate that are becoming increasingly difficult to ignore. Permanency has never been guaranteed but a familiar future was something expected by most of us.

Where we will end up and what life will look like for us here in Australia – no-one knows.

I’ve just finished reading A Letter to Layla by Ramona Koval. I really enjoyed this book for many reasons. Dispersed throughout the text are engaging interactions with her granddaughter Layla which carry the seriousness of the subject matter with a playful lightness. Ramona does a broad sweep of the history of the evolution of Homo Sapiens and a glimpse at possible futures.

Oddly it felt mildly comforting to read that the humans of today may evolve into a very different being in the future. For me, the often made comments hypothesising about brain changes as a result of our relationship to technology didn’t feel as alarming as they had before I read A Letter to Layla. I’m not really sure why, I think it might have to do with the resilience of ‘the Homo’ in all its evolving forms.

Part of her research was tracking this evolutionary process and noting the significance of when we started to be able to care for each other, possibly alongside developing a relationship with dogs. When did we learn to love and care for others. This took me right back to the work of Humberto Maturana and his work around what it means to be human; as mammals we are love dependent. We have young who are completely dependent on the care of another. When this is done well enough, like other mammals we play. For young mammals a lot of this play is relational and mimics skills required for adult life.

Unique to Homo Sapiens when we are loved enough, in terms of being accepted as a valid other, our play enables the development of abstract thinking and embedded within this are problem solving abilities.

Part of what Ramona does throughout A Letter to Layla is track where our curiosity and problem solving abilities takes us. We are a curious animal and a problem solving animal. The question in my mind is how can we hold onto and trust that as a species we will mostly move in a direction which is underpinned by love and not hate? I’m not talking about romantic love, I’m talking about the kind of love that enables an ability to still have a relationship with people who disagree with you. To be able to say “I don’t agree” and not be considered an enemy – is an act of love. That ability to agree to disagree and hold onto curiosity about the difference. Now this is great in theory but when emotions are escalated and cortisol starts surging it’s not always so easy to achieve.

Always hold in mind that trauma creates a thinking disability. Even a minor distressing event can create the inability to think and act as one might in calmer circumstances.

People who have experienced long term traumatic events, especially as children, have not received the biologically essential love – and so do in effect end up with a ‘thinking disability’ and often lose trust in their ability to judge and make decisions and/or become dogmatic bullies.

With this in mind it feels important for all of us, but particularly those of us in caring roles, to find ways to soothe our own panic. Only then can we help our clients, friends and family to trust their ability to adapt to whatever the future holds and develop faith in their curiosity and problem solving abilities.

Clarity around where your power lies and not wasting energy on things we can’t change is also important. How to keep our eyes on sources of love, no matter how small is the current challenge for us all. Not to be naively minimising bad behaviour which inadvertently supports hate, just taking time to feel what warms your heart: a beautiful tree, or sunset or being with loved ones. Sounds easy but sadly are incredibly difficult to do.

A conversation with my own 10 year old grand daughter over Easter on a beautiful autumn day – whilst happily playing in the sand, she said: “I’m frightened there is going to be another world war.” My response: ” I am too, none of us know, but at the moment we can enjoy being on the beach.” Which we did…

As 2026 gets under way and the global news is grim, I find myself reflecting on the summer holidays, despite the weather being somewhat challenging, it was wonderful to walk the beach watching people young and old just enjoying life.

I saw lots of beach cricket, footy, volleyball, or just ball throwing , lots of splashing about in the sea and many children on their own, with siblings or parents building things out of sand. Lots of laughter, and cheering and time just enjoying life absent of the day to day pressures.

It was the sand castle creations that caught my attention. They ranged from full on castles created from a mould with an imprint of bricks and turrets, through to the pile of sand scooped together by little hands decorated with shells and seaweed. It was these simple creations that warmed my heart. Nonetheless, whether it was an elaborate castle or the little organic collections of things placed thoughtfully on a pile of sand, both embodied joy and other essential elements of play.

We are communal animals – but we also are individuals. In play we can develop both of these biologically essential human qualities. The ability to play on one’s own is built on being a part of a loving community. Whether that be a family, a neighbourhood, a school etc. By ‘loving community’ I don’t mean a community who forgives all, but one that supports both the individual and the rights of the whole. A community that has the courage to support a child (or for that matter anyone) with not always getting everything they want. Helping children to learn to managed disappointment recognising both their talents and limitations can all happen in play.

Knowing you can soothe your disappointment is an antidote to anxiety and fear. It’s okay for a child to cry their way to acceptance that they can’t have the toy that another child is currently playing with. This simple common situation develops the building blocks for managing the many much more significant disappointments that they’ll manage throughout their lives. We can’t be happy all the time. Relying on other people to make your life work creates a person who wants power without responsibility.

Through play we learn to manage and process complex human dynamics in situations that don’t generally have serious consequences. There is a freedom in play that broadens relationships.

Resisting the need to over organise is a challenge. Setting some parameters can be helpful to get a game or activity underway. Knowing when to let it develop into its own thing can be tricky. The few conflicts I witnessed were when one member of a group needed to follow the rules and other participants weren’t all that bothered. Or the opposite, one member didn’t want to follow the rules that the others had agreed upon.

Once absorbed in play there is a shifting of consciousness we become lost in a creative endeavour. This is such an important process for our wellbeing, and is an essential part of our human-ness. It’s a quality all mammals exhibit, especially the young, when they are well enough loved. It’s an important neurological process and when it’s not supported there are emotional consequences. The most important, I would argue, being the ability to plan and picture outcomes and possibilities. When we feel under time pressure or impacted by some sort of trauma it’s often our opportunity to play that is curtailed. If play is too prescribed or structured this also does not achieve the goal of developing or maintaining abstract thinking.

Fear or an absence of courage often impacts our ability to get lost in playfulness. This is a dilemma because playfulness can be the antidote to fear and it can also give us courage. Boredom is also an important phenomenon that will often result in play that is very creative (often messy) especially when children are involved. We have become a little allergic to boredom but in that question: ‘what am I going to do now?’ a little gem might be sparked in the empty space.

I’m not sure if it was my imagination, but I’m sure there were less people sitting on the beach under cabanas scrolling on phones. I can’t help asking if this is an unexpected outcome of the social media ban that we are all reducing our dependence on social media as entertainment.
Possibly the cost of living crisis possibly also contributed, luckily for us here in Australia we can go to the beach for free, and a beach regardless of the weather can provide endless entertainment and opportunities for play.

Following on from my last blog I’ve been thinking a lot about our mental health as a community and how our young are being supported in their journeys to adulthood.
I coming to believe courage is incredibly important in order to get the best out of ones life. In this blog I’d like to play with how we gain courage and the impact of what seems to be the relentless incitement of fear. I think this is a critical factor in the deterioration of all our mental health but particularly our youth.
As we know fear sells products and wins votes in elections. It’s a fundamental factor in gaining power. I sincerely hope the now imminent social media ban may mitigate some sources of fear.

How do we get courage? Like all emotions it’s transient. When I think back over the course my life has taken I feel amazed with some of the decisions I’ve made and how well many of them have worked out. At 71 hindsight carries a lot of memories and decisions. Sure there have been some dumb decisions and some regrets, but in essence I feel pleased that I had the courage to go into private practice, develop a family therapy training program that I believed provided useful learning for professionals in the health and welfare field. The mainstream push for a university accreditation, often left me feeling uncertain, but I stubbornly refused to compromise my much loved curriculum. It felt right. Reducing energy gave me the courage to retire from providing family therapy training, as luck would have it, in 2020 just as the pandemic would have made my course untenable.

The courage to prepare for ageing and the inevitability of death, downsizing, relocating to ensure I’m debt free, continually shedding stuff and organising as much as possible. Leaving a 36 year marriage etc etc. So many decisions that required courage and a belief that one way or another I would make it work. Where does that belief come from. It’s so strongly embedded in me! Is this what is missing in so many of our young? Or if it’s there does it get eroded by the continual bombardment of influencers who know what’s right!

I want to clarify that I’m talking about small ‘c’ courage – having courage in everyday small events. Not not big ‘C’ driven courage like climbing Mt Everest. That, I believe is a different phenomenon to what I’m talking about. I’m not taking about an adrenaline fuelled process. I’m talking about trust and integrity built on the knowing that failure or death is always a possibility. It requires a tuning in to what feels intuitively right – silencing the external voices. Not in a naive blindness but with an awareness of the risks, utilising your innate knowing of what will work for you. This is easy to say at 71 with all that history of decision making behind me, not so easy at 18…

How do we learn to know what opportunities need to be grabbed and what needs to be let go regardless of the nagging voices of ‘what is right’. Unfortunately we only know if we’ve made the right decision in retrospect and luck is a variable over which we have no control. Timing is also important. What might be the ‘right’ decision at one point in time might prove to be the ‘wrong’ decision at another point in time. The variables are always changing and no-one else truly knows the situation of another.

This takes me to a central family therapy theory. The theory of differentiation as developed by Murray Bowen in the 1950s. He talks about an ongoing process of becoming as we develop an ability to think and feel for ourselves. I don’t believe there is an arrival when at some point we’re able to declare ourselves differentiated! But that it’s an ongoing slippery process. When we’re tired and stressed I think our ability to think and feel for ourselves independently of the others around us slips. At times like this we are much more like to make decisions that are influenced by others and may not serve us well.

Regret and fear are courage eaters and block the ability to tune into what is going to be right for us. Also hope is important – not blind hope for the impossible – like a perfect life where nothing goes wrong. But hope in one’s own ability to overcome adversity.

Questions to ask ourselves: Is our fear crippling the courage of our loved ones? How do we soothe our fears and still act when it feels right? How do we protect ourselves from the fear of others when we know it’s crippling decision making?

The panic of others can distort our decision making – it’s contagious.

Often just taking a walk, listening to music, going for a run, sitting somewhere beautiful can be all that’s needed to find the space to think, reflect and find the courage to make a decision or action a decision. Trusting that only time will tell whether it was a good idea or action, but to be grateful to self for having the courage to follow what felt intuitively right at the time.

The impact of the social media ban is something that I have been thinking about since the idea of a ban for under 16 year olds was first put on the table. Now it’s on the horizon set to start December 10th.

There was an excellent article in the Sunday Age on September 28th titled What If It’s Not Social Media, by Liam Mannix and Broede Carmody. Whilst I absolutely believe social media plays a role, I too believe it only a step in the deterioration of the mental health of our youth and it’s not just our youth – anxiety and depression amongst adults seems to be also escalating. But for this blog I’ll focus on our youth.

What is happening to our youth is a complex reflection of what is happening across our culture. If we think about our young as providing a crude mirror to our cultural values we have the guidelines for what we could do differently. Whether it’s youth crime or a mental health issue it reflects our cultural/political lack of willingness to invest in care.

Over the course of my lifetime I’ve seen an erosion in the quality of care. Much of the service delivery today has been reduced to bandaids. Let’s start with birth – new mums chucked out of hospital after 24 hours. Maternal and child health services stripped to the bare bone. Then off to childcare, a lot of children are in inadequate profit making childcare. The relatively well resourced community childcare centres have all but disappeared. Then we’re off to school. Schools have also been stripped of funding.

Expectations on teachers are ever increasing in terms of delivering a complex curriculum concurrently with the deterioration of class room behaviour. Teachers are often trying to manage both dis-regulated pupils and parents.

Families are stressed and stretched. Hospitals, aged care, the list goes on – the good will to fund quality services has been lost somewhere along the way. I believe the philosophy/religion of economic rationalism has a lot to answer for the situation we now find ourselves in. Profit over care.

I’m not suggesting that we spend endlessly on care but maybe we need to do more research on what is actually needed before funding is cut. Overtime I witnessed many wonderful programs for youth lose their funding and be replaced by a bandaid service that many youth don’t find helpful. I need to add that this isn’t true just in the youth arena. If it costs less it must be better. When a politician declares this is better it would be nice if a journalist persistently asked ‘how exactly?’ If the politician managed to answer we might discover that the it will be better belongs in the domain of funding – it will be cheaper! Sadly this has been such a positive political vote winner both major parties have pursued it. Labour maybe in a slightly modified way but nonetheless following the same economic rationalist philosophy. Of course funding is often a little slippery and what is lost may not be apparent until it’s either gradually eroded or just disappears as has been the case with many municipal youth programs.

Meanwhile we know many major companies and extremely wealthy Australians get generous tax exemptions. This contradiction is playing out in the behaviour of our young. I do believe social media has significantly contributed to working this core contradiction, as has substandard, dishonest journalism.

There’s a wonderful statement on page 22 in the article from The Sunday Age made by Community Mental Health Australia chief executive Kerry Hawkins: “We have effectively been institutionally gaslighting a whole generation of children and young people by telling them the problem lies between their ears, rather than in our economic and social policies,”

The youth crime statistics also reflects the same contradiction but rather than turn that on themselves as in those who have a mental health issue, they take their rage out on the community. Challenging us directly with our cultural value of wealth and self gain at the expense of others (and the environment) is the way to go!

We’ve seen plenty of examples of individuals often defined as entrepreneurs, and corporations being rewarded for doing something that has trashed the environment and with it the hope of a future for our young. This is another significant variable – hope for the future – their future. The underlying anger generated by this innate, often denied knowledge, is very easily manipulated by various social media influencers.

At this level parents feel powerless and the social media ban does help give some guidance and assistance by putting down a line. Emotions are contagious and so restrictions on some of the hate or sexual exploitation witnessed via social media will definitely improve a sense of wellbeing especially if other interests are supported.

Which leads me to the question – what do you do with the extra time? Unfortunately most children don’t do as we say but do as we do. It’s very distressing to see your worst traits play out in the next generation. The weekly or daily tally of how much time we’ve spent online, I believe, is a regular shock for all of us. So us adults might also need to set an example by restricting the use of devises.

Conversations about what your offspring would like to do instead are important to be had now before the ban comes in. After the very likely f..k off response – which needs to be ignored, think about how to have ongoing conversations and supporting their ideas for using time in a satisfying way. This might just happen in small fragments when you have the kids trapped in the car. I’m also not suggesting they should get what they want, but if it’s something that’s not possible, give the dilemma to them to think about. As much as possible if parents can remain curious rather than slide into advice giving that also would be helpful – sometimes we don’t know our children as well as we think we do.

Parents can blame the government holding the ‘it’s going to be illegal’ line, whilst listening to what their children might like to do. I think all adults could also participate in this exercise. What could they also be doing if they were’t spending as much time on their devises. Listening to podcasts is great but it does force your brain in a particular direction – not a day dreamy space for thoughts to float in.

For our youth I believe it needs to be something creative that stimulates an ability to think abstractly. Whether that be music, gardening, craft, painting, cooking, sport, drama etc etc, and of course pottering. Many of these activities can also incorporate a spiritual dimension. Take for example if a young person decides to grow vegetables, assuming they manage to get a crop of something, watching the growth, the regular attending and then the bringing in the produce to feed the family, literally feeds the soul and links them to something greater than themselves as individuals.

Most of these activities create a mess in a way that being glued to a devise doesn’t. And if adolescents aren’t tucked up in their bedrooms on social media or gaming, then where are they? How do parents manage their own anxiety of children being out in the world with groups of other people they don’t know. These are important considerations. Now that the technology is available to in effect track your children’s every move, where is trust? How do our young build a sense of competence and confidence in the world. We all know things can go horrible wrong, any of us can be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but the majority of us manage to go out and come home safely. It’s this experience that builds resilience and gives courage to build a life independently of family.

Parent fear a significant factor

The combination of parental fear, anxiety and lack of time is an awful mix and it plays a part in the addiction to devises. Both for parents and children. Most of us want the best for our children but many of us lose our way on how to get there and the bombardment of information that overrides intuition is not always helpful.

A decision making guide could be to always hold in mind that the job of parenting is to raise adults. Part of that journey is gaining a belief in the sense of one’s ability to overcome adversity – this is the foundation stone of resilience. As parents our fear for our offspring can cripple them inadvertently sending the message that they are not competent to take a bus or train, go on a school excursion or camp or even to go to school!

Whilst the social media ban is geared towards the under 16s it’s a golden opportunity for all of us to reflect on our social media use and how it impacts our mental health and/or our anger and potential lawlessness – the pings of our favourite social media site have such a powerful draw…

A Privileged Mind Set

I originally wrote this blog in 2021 the last time Donald Trump was in power as a follow on from part 1 – I’ve reread and modified it, sadly it’s more relevant today than in 2021

Whether it be the classroom bully or Donald Trump, to exist, their actions and misuse of power is supported. Humberto Maturana, one of my favourite theorists, talked about power being conceded. This process of conceding power is where I would like to focus in this blog.

It seems directly or inadvertently we can all play a part in curbing bad behaviour. But why don’t we? I know fear is one very good reason, it’s a powerful silencer. Certainly we can all recollect a time when we should have said something but didn’t. Along with most others I am guilty of sometimes not speaking up and consequently carry flashes of regret when opportunities are missed. What stops decent people from calling someone to account when they are behaving badly?

Partly, I think innately we all know that reining in someone who has absolutely no care for the impact of their actions on others rarely goes well. The absence of empathy and a skewed relationship with honesty, makes it incredibly difficult to withstand the inevitable assault – especially if you are isolated. Often if there are no physical injuries but coercive control is at play, the person on the receiving end can feel their reality slip away as they become confused and immobilised. When this happens it can confirm the perpetrators perception that their target is deserving of their criticism as they don’t know what they’re talking about.

This can go on for a lifetime when we’re talking about marital relationships or over entitled offspring. Then of course there is the seemingly endless supply of political dictators. Globally we’re witnessing many.

But I’d like to come back to my area of expertise families and mental health.

Mammals are love dependent and nurture live young until they can survive independently. Even in this is biologically essential process humans can manage to get themselves in a muddle. People with an entitled mind set live a fundamental confusion between love and control. They mistake compliance for love. Disagreement and difference aren’t seen as part of loving human relationships they are seen as acts of aggression and undermining. When this occurs in an ongoing way within families it will have a serious negative impact.

What that impact is and how to best survive it is what drew me to family therapy. I am yet to meet someone with a psychiatric diagnosis that hasn’t had some form of interruption to childhood love. The reasons for this happening are varied and not always the result of a malicious use of power. An unfortunate tragedy might occur like a premature death, unwanted relocation, natural disasters etc etc. The distress of these tragedies can block the ability to love in a way that supports the ‘value of the other’ in their close relationships. By value I don’t mean that they are told how wonderful they are regardless of what they are doing. This feeds a privileged mindset. I’m talking about relationships where they are taken seriously. Embedded as part of being taken seriously by significant others includes having the energy to question, rein in or guide a loved one. This is part of the job of good enough parenting.

The love I’m talking about, again influenced by the work of Humberto Maturana, is where ‘the other’ is valid. This is oxytocin producing love. If difference emerges that is all it is, it’s not proof that someone is against you – although that is how it may feel particularly when parenting an adolescent.

Oxytocin producing love broadens our ability to accept the quirks of others whilst still holding onto your own beliefs. The idiosyncrasies of another aren’t perceived as threats that need to be annihilated. Curiosity is possible. The concept is simple and something most of us know, but holding it is extremely difficult. Being unfairly silenced produces the stress hormone cortisol and impacts our health if it becomes a chronic state of being.

The helicopter parenting, the influencer phenomenon and the move to right wing governments I believe all share the same underpinning emotion – fear. Which, in turn, undermines trust in our own intuition. If we think about intuition as the combination of all our lived experience, then it is a reminder to pay attention to it.

In order to do this we need enough oxytocin producing love to be able to take the time to tune into what we feel is fundamentally right. Our mental health is a signally system. Whether it be increased anxiety or depression or something more serious like bi polar or schizophrenia. Maybe there are genetic underpinnings but even the onset of serious mental health episodes usually have a cortisol fuelled trigger.

Oxytocin producing opportunities don’t cost much but they they do take time, Taking time to watch a beautiful sunset, or pat the dog, watching the whole world that lives in a tree in your garden, cuddle your children when they want a cuddle, not just when you’ve got time too…

Stepping off the treadmill to take time to be, is a well worn cliche but it actually works – it does mean turning off our cortisol producing ‘lover’ the mobile phone. Fear stops us from doing this.

Something most of us know is that warm glow when we’re doing something we love, or being with someone we love. I watch for this in my work, watch for the light up moments. Not an adrenaline fuelled one, but a calm reassuring warmth. Our oxytocin and cortisol levels should vary. There’s no arriving at a perfect state of well-being and staying there forever. It’s an ongoing process of ebb and flow depending on what is happening in our daily lives. When we have enough it gives us an open heart, strength and courage. Not aggression but an inner strength.

Those who hunger for power at any price can tip those they interact with from producing oxytocin to cortisol in a flash! When this happens it requires extra hard work to find and take time for sources of oxytocin producing love. But a moment of enjoying something of beauty can make a difference, albeit small if trapped with a tyrant. Nonetheless never forgetting to take the time to tune into those moments of joy and gratitude – that’s the clue that you’re producing the love hormone oxytocin the antidote to hate and the privileged mindset. This is where our power can lie, it can switch on our brains and use our intuition. It can help us think through situations that may be being amplified through fear to gain power. It can help us remain responsive to situations and not reactive and comsquently unable to think.

(Further reading – Born for Love by Dr Bruce Perry & What Happened to You also by Dr Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey)

The striving for perfection, it seems, is killing us…

The idea that perfection is possible followed by the inevitable struggle to get there is placing enormous pressure on many Australians. Moments of perfection are possible but perfection as a manner of living is a concept that feeds distress, anxiety and chronic disappointment.

In 1974 three family therapists Paul Watzlawick, John Weakland and Richard Fisch wrote an excellent book Change: Principles of problem formation and Problem Resolution.

They hypothesised that the search for perfection causes much distress which impacts our decision making, feeds flawed logic and inevitably our erodes our mental health. Given they wrote this 51 years ago it seems to me their hypothesis was absolutely correct and we’re reaching some sort of climax where the ways in which we are living our lives, in the west, is no longer sustainable. Consequently things just seem to be getting crazier and crazier.

Very regularly, in the media, there are concerns around what our youth are getting up to. Whether it’s youth crime, mental health, or gaming addictions, their dietary habits the list goes on. I find it interesting that youth distress is so intensely focused upon. My hypothesis is it’s a way of avoiding looking at what the adults are doing. Not just their parents but politicians, teachers, coaches, influencers and everyone else that is in their orbit.

If we think of adolescence as the life stage in which we start to navigate our transition from childhood to adult hood, I think adolescent behaviour becomes a sort of mirror of the world in which we all inhabit. There is a weird dichotomy of messaging happening. On the one hand there is climate change and the future is looking a bit glum. Whether you agree with it being a human created phenomenon or a natural environmental process it’s becoming increasingly difficult to say ‘nothing is going wrong with our climate.’

Even a four year old can work out that on a hot day it’s definitely cooler walking under trees compared to a concreted, canopy-less footpath. At this incredibly simplistic level, to deny just that one variable of chopping down many trees is contributing to increasing the global temperature, is the ultimate act of blindness. We must all carry an existential knowing, which is often denied, but maybe expressed via the distress of our youth.

Whilst the majority of adults more or less carry on in much the same way working for a future for their offspring, doing everything to keep them safe but…

This is an incredibly complex situation we have ended up in and the absence of leadership from the adults to steer a path forward for not only ourselves but for future generations is creating a powerless emotional escalation. Our youth feel this.They also watch the solutions which are being expressed via by many countries through voting for extremist governments who offer simplistic solutions. I feel very proud that here in Australia in our last federal election we turned towards the left rather than the climate denying right.

I am heart broken that the solution has become the problem. In the West we enjoy a standard of living, I believe, never experienced before in such large numbers. To let it go is something I don’t want to face. The economic solution of growth has been wonderful but how do we stop and say enough. There is easily accessible leadership to guide us with this. Although I have noticed AUSNET my electricity supplier last summer sent out messages warning us to expect interruptions to supply. Is this what we need – gradual warnings of the unsustainable.

In their own way I think this is what our adolescents are doing; it’s not clearly articulated but their anxieties, depression, addictions, criminal activity are a message spotlighting our shared helplessness, and our pathetic attempts to fix it.

As individuals we’re just left with the slogan Think globally, Act locally – the origins of this famous phrase is unknown but wikipedia say its widely attributed to David Brower who founded Friends of the Earth in 1969. This can help us feel less powerless whilst those who could be making the hard decisions dilly dally. It would take a very skilled politician and courageous politician to guide us away from growth as the economic ideal. I hope we can do it before Mother Nature deals us a fatal blow. The distress levels of our youth are our barometer

A Cape Barron Goose protecting her young

The Challenge of Ageing

I regularly remind myself that it’s a privilege to age that many don’t get to have – this helps a little…

Nonetheless it doesn’t allay the fear of how the inevitable journey to the grave will actually take place.

To speak of this fear and to resist the cultural voice urging denial of deterioration is very challenging. More than at any other lifestage I’m finding the pressure to fix, do more and cling to life increasingly annoying. ‘The new 60 is the old 50’, what a ridiculous concept. Yes most of us in The West are living longer but deterioration should be accommodated not denied. Dying is the one certain thing in our lives. It will happen: we just don’t generally know how or when. Creeping fatigue should not be ignored, I know from personal experience that when it is, your body will give you a good clout in some form or other. It’s important it assists us with the move from being at the centre of family life to the outer edges.

How do we give ourselves permission to do what gives us joy, focus on quality not quantity. Plan for decline in a way that will not weigh down the next generation. Over the years I’ve watched many families become distressed when their love slides to duty and then to resentment. We are living longer but we’re also living with greater disability. If this possible ageing process if not thought through it can create a great burden on the next generation as our children become our carers. Often when this occurs they are also struggling to manage their own offspring who are often either adolescent or transitioning to young adults.

Over the years as a family therapist I’ve seen many families implode as the middle generation manage these two life stages simultaneously. The middle generation is sandwiched between a good serving of guilt served up by both their offspring and ageing parents. Trying to make everyone ones life work except their own. This is not okay. If we are lucky enough to get to old age we’ve also been given the gift of time to prepare. None of this is easy and it adds to the already growing list of grief as slowly precious loved ones, homes, careers, belongings and life styles are let go.