The Challenge of Ageing

I regularly remind myself that it’s a privilege to age that many don’t get to have – this helps a little…

Nonetheless it doesn’t allay the fear of how the inevitable journey to the grave will actually take place.

To speak of this fear and to resist the cultural voice urging denial of deterioration is very challenging. More than at any other lifestage I’m finding the pressure to fix, do more and cling to life increasingly annoying. ‘The new 60 is the old 50’, what a ridiculous concept. Yes most of us in The West are living longer but deterioration should be accommodated not denied. Dying is the one certain thing in our lives. It will happen: we just don’t generally know how or when. Creeping fatigue should not be ignored, I know from personal experience that when it is, your body will give you a good clout in some form or other. It’s important it assists us with the move from being at the centre of family life to the outer edges.

How do we give ourselves permission to do what gives us joy, focus on quality not quantity. Plan for decline in a way that will not weigh down the next generation. Over the years I’ve watched many families become distressed when their love slides to duty and then to resentment. We are living longer but we’re also living with greater disability. If this possible ageing process if not thought through it can create a great burden on the next generation as our children become our carers. Often when this occurs they are also struggling to manage their own offspring who are often either adolescent or transitioning to young adults.

Over the years as a family therapist I’ve seen many families implode as the middle generation manage these two life stages simultaneously. The middle generation is sandwiched between a good serving of guilt served up by both their offspring and ageing parents. Trying to make everyone ones life work except their own. This is not okay. If we are lucky enough to get to old age we’ve also been given the gift of time to prepare. None of this is easy and it adds to the already growing list of grief as slowly precious loved ones, homes, careers, belongings and life styles are let go.