A Privileged Mind Set
I originally wrote this blog in 2021 the last time Donald Trump was in power as a follow on from part 1 – I’ve reread and modified it, sadly it’s more relevant today than in 2021
A privileged mindset, is when a human believes their needs and opinions are superior to everyone else. Empathy is absent, as is the ability to converse with others. They operate as a closed circuit, drawing selectively from their contexts in a way that enables them to impose their will on others. It also enables them to repeatedly do some pretty awful things and not only remain unchecked but are often supported by onlookers, friends, colleagues or peers. Any challenge is seen as a personal attack and in the extreme justifies jailing or murdering opponents.
Whether it be the classroom bully or Donald Trump, to exist, their actions and misuse of power is supported. Humberto Maturana, one of my favourite theorists, talked about power being conceded. This process of conceding power is where I would like to focus in this blog.
It seems directly or inadvertently we can all play a part in curbing bad behaviour. But why don’t we? I know fear is one very good reason, it’s a powerful silencer. Certainly we can all recollect a time when we should have said something but didn’t. Along with most others I am guilty of sometimes not speaking up and consequently carry flashes of regret when opportunities are missed. What stops decent people from calling someone to account when they are behaving badly?
Partly, I think innately we all know that reining in someone who has absolutely no care for the impact of their actions on others rarely goes well. The absence of empathy and a skewed relationship with honesty, makes it incredibly difficult to withstand the inevitable assault – especially if you are isolated. Often if there are no physical injuries but coercive control is at play, the person on the receiving end can feel their reality slip away as they become confused and immobilised. When this happens it can confirm the perpetrators perception that their target is deserving of their criticism as they don’t know what they’re talking about.
This can go on for a lifetime when we’re talking about marital relationships or over entitled offspring. Then of course there is the seemingly endless supply of political dictators. Globally we’re witnessing many.
But I’d like to come back to my area of expertise families and mental health.
Mammals are love dependent and nurture live young until they can survive independently. Even in this is biologically essential process humans can manage to get themselves in a muddle. People with an entitled mind set live a fundamental confusion between love and control. They mistake compliance for love. Disagreement and difference aren’t seen as part of loving human relationships they are seen as acts of aggression and undermining. When this occurs in an ongoing way within families it will have a serious negative impact.
What that impact is and how to best survive it is what drew me to family therapy. I am yet to meet someone with a psychiatric diagnosis that hasn’t had some form of interruption to childhood love. The reasons for this happening are varied and not always the result of a malicious use of power. An unfortunate tragedy might occur like a premature death, unwanted relocation, natural disasters etc etc. The distress of these tragedies can block the ability to love in a way that supports the ‘value of the other’ in their close relationships. By value I don’t mean that they are told how wonderful they are regardless of what they are doing. This feeds a privileged mindset. I’m talking about relationships where they are taken seriously. Embedded as part of being taken seriously by significant others includes having the energy to question, rein in or guide a loved one. This is part of the job of good enough parenting.
The love I’m talking about, again influenced by the work of Humberto Maturana, is where ‘the other’ is valid. This is oxytocin producing love. If difference emerges that is all it is, it’s not proof that someone is against you – although that is how it may feel particularly when parenting an adolescent.
Oxytocin producing love broadens our ability to accept the quirks of others whilst still holding onto your own beliefs. The idiosyncrasies of another aren’t perceived as threats that need to be annihilated. Curiosity is possible. The concept is simple and something most of us know, but holding it is extremely difficult. Being unfairly silenced produces the stress hormone cortisol and impacts our health if it becomes a chronic state of being.
The helicopter parenting, the influencer phenomenon and the move to right wing governments I believe all share the same underpinning emotion – fear. Which, in turn, undermines trust in our own intuition. If we think about intuition as the combination of all our lived experience, then it is a reminder to pay attention to it.
In order to do this we need enough oxytocin producing love to be able to take the time to tune into what we feel is fundamentally right. Our mental health is a signally system. Whether it be increased anxiety or depression or something more serious like bi polar or schizophrenia. Maybe there are genetic underpinnings but even the onset of serious mental health episodes usually have a cortisol fuelled trigger.
Oxytocin producing opportunities don’t cost much but they they do take time, Taking time to watch a beautiful sunset, or pat the dog, watching the whole world that lives in a tree in your garden, cuddle your children when they want a cuddle, not just when you’ve got time too…
Stepping off the treadmill to take time to be, is a well worn cliche but it actually works – it does mean turning off our cortisol producing ‘lover’ the mobile phone. Fear stops us from doing this.
Something most of us know is that warm glow when we’re doing something we love, or being with someone we love. I watch for this in my work, watch for the light up moments. Not an adrenaline fuelled one, but a calm reassuring warmth. Our oxytocin and cortisol levels should vary. There’s no arriving at a perfect state of well-being and staying there forever. It’s an ongoing process of ebb and flow depending on what is happening in our daily lives. When we have enough it gives us an open heart, strength and courage. Not aggression but an inner strength.
Those who hunger for power at any price can tip those they interact with from producing oxytocin to cortisol in a flash! When this happens it requires extra hard work to find and take time for sources of oxytocin producing love. But a moment of enjoying something of beauty can make a difference, albeit small if trapped with a tyrant. Nonetheless never forgetting to take the time to tune into those moments of joy and gratitude – that’s the clue that you’re producing the love hormone oxytocin the antidote to hate and the privileged mindset. This is where our power can lie, it can switch on our brains and use our intuition. It can help us think through situations that may be being amplified through fear to gain power. It can help us remain responsive to situations and not reactive and comsquently unable to think.
(Further reading – Born for Love by Dr Bruce Perry & What Happened to You also by Dr Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey)
